Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
My name is Amebo Pulse. I love you, talk your own. My people, una no try for me at all! I didn’t appear last week, and instead of una to go Aso Rock go protest, una dey discuss Jim Iyke and ASUU Strike. E good? See let me tell you, I know the people behind this ASUU strike. They are not in Aso Rock, neither are they hiding in their big political offices. They are in your village. Yesso! All those juju men wey no want make you and your children make sense, na them dey rub chalk for face, sacrifice fowl left egg to Okokobioko, then shake rattle and the Ifa stat ue. Na your village people dey winch Federal Government to no pay ASUU hardship and sorting allowance.
So forget all those meetings. To thy village o Nigerians. Grab your bible, run to the nearest jazzman, and cast him and his demons out. If you succeed (that is if devil no bend your leg), you will be amazed at the speed with which Goodluck Jona go use send bullion vans to all the Universities.
But anyway sha, for once, let’s forget about ASUU, take a deep breath, and enjoy gossip. Gossip will not end the ASUU strike, neither will it change the price of garri in the market. But it will sure make the next five minutes of your life fun.
Enjoy joor. No be you kill Jeremiah!
Cossy Orjiakor Is 29 Years Old…Isn’t God Miraculous?
Ahem! Make I first clear throat with 5 bottles of Alomo and 15 wraps of Igbo from Ajegunle. This is one touching story from the depths of my ass. Stories that touch the bum bum. Ready? Cameras? Where all those Nollywood nonsense flute players. Give me some Ogene music. Argh! Finally, one shot for the road….and…
Action!
Growing up, I always loved television. I started by watching all those silly cartoons where teddy bears will dance and offer you candy and pink cakes. It was poor and traumatic. I still haven’t recovered from ‘teletubbies’. Then I switched onto watching more annoying cartoons, like Snowhite and those ugly devilish dwarfs. I could have died out of boredom. But Baba God no gree. He made me grow up fast, until I graduated to Things fall Apart. That old film that had a young horny Pete Edochie looking like he was the father of Amadioha.
Then I began to watch semi-porn. Those Nigerian blue movies wey Cossy Orjiakor been dey act.
I loved Cossy Orjiakor because…you know na. If cars can run on milk, Cossy Orjiakor will be God by now. The girl is blessed, and she knows it. When I first saw Cossy Orjiakor, she was in one cheap movie like that. Then I was like 15 years, and she looked 25. Now I’m 28 years, and guess what?
Cossy Orjiakor is just 29 year. Praise the Lord!
Last week was Cossy’s birthday, and the old woman, get mind, announce football age to all of Nigeria. Is it fair to us all?
The Mistress of Mammary (my big grammar name for Cossy. I go school too!) organized a party for herself, her dogs, and her pets. She called them together aand made them bark her birthday song.
”Waffy woofday to you, woofy gruffday to you. Woofy broofday, woofy gruffday woofy woof day to you!”
Then they shared dog bones, biscuits and scented oversized bra (Size 500. XXXXXXLLLL). She drankAlomo, mixed with Viagra, and boobsie-vitamins, then came onto social media to lie for us.
Cossy why? Don’t you know that we know the truth of the matter. Is it because we still call you Cossy? Okay. From today you haff become Aunty Cossy. Because you are old. U can even fit be my mother self.
Stop giving us your football age, Aunty Cossy, because as my Warri brothers talk, No be today wey yansh don dey dey for back.
Cossy, no be today wey we don dey see your boobs. E don tey.
Cossy Orjiakor’s boobs: Disturbing Nigeria since 1960.
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